Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ketchup is God's man juice
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
