Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
