Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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