lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
