i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
