Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
