yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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