Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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