i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
