i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
it's like iHOP with fire
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
