Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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