Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
