i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
