Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
