She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
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