I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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