there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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