just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
