The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I stole a fireplace last night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
