he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
