so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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