if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
