Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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