He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
