In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
