put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
