I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
