You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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