i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
