Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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