I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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