At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
