after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
