Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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