Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize