i will never coherently bang her
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
