my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
