I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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