wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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