If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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