I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
