I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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