my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
