Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
