Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
