can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
