Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
