I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
