This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
