Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The beer is more important than you right now.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
