thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
