Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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