Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
