I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
